I love My Kitchen Rules. I love the cooking. I love the drama. I love the competition. I love it when contestants create something so sensational that they even shock themselves, and I love the suspense of wondering which teams will be jettisoned too soon back to the real life they have sacrificed to take part in the show.
Now readers, I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, but I think I’d make a great MKR contestant, so I’m going to have a tilt at next season’s title. I’m not sure who I might have as my partner, but it probably should be someone I don’t plan on seeing again after the show. Maybe I’ll advertise in the Classifieds.
Having watched nearly every episode of My Kitchen Rules since the first season, I know what they are looking for. Most importantly, I can deliver those ‘this has never happened before’ moments the show needs.
I’ve put together a bit of a resumé, outlining what I can offer the show next season:
Let’s start with the grocery shopping before each instant restaurant or challenge. Obviously the important thing here is to take so long buying ingredients that cooking time is seriously compromised. I usually work with half a shopping list, then go back and forth across the shop and around the perimeter several times as I remember each of the other items. For key ingredients I like to wait until I’m home, then change the entire menu because I’ve forgotten the lamb for the lamb roast. OK so far?
Every year the instant restaurant rounds start with the boring reveals of Manu-crushes. Manu seems like a nice guy, but come on – the drooling, the eyelash-batting and flirting while Manu politely fends them off … ho freaking hum. It’s time to move things up a notch. I’m putting my hand up for a Benny Hill type of chase scene around the dining table with the appropriate soundtrack.
Oh, I almost forgot - I can cook. And I’ve made this one particular meal hundreds of times, so I can pretty much be guaranteed to balls it up on national TV. As far as desserts go, I’m happy to swing either way. I can pimp myself as the great dessert queen and then undercook the pastry, or I can complain every time I make a dessert, muttering something like “desserts aren’t really my forté … they really should have cancelled desserts this year”. Your call, really – either way I get to make a dick of myself so I’m up for that. I don’t need to ‘smash it out of the park’ every time, but I would like to say ‘smash it out of the park’ at fairly regular intervals if that’s OK.
I am happy to fill my menu with techniques I have never done before, using appliances I have never seen. I would prefer to Sous-vide my protein, especially if there is an easier method that would be more appropriate. It’s a knobbish technique that allows me to completely focus on maintaining the correct temperature for at least an hour while my partner does every other component of the meal. I always thrive on the suspense of not knowing if something is cooked to perfection, over-done, or completely raw, until it is time to plate up.
Strong accents always seem to appeal to viewers and other contestants, so I’ll work something up in that regard. This year we’ve seen the thickly layered French and Irish accents of Manu and Colin become thicker than ever in the face of some stiff competition from Robert’s languid Texan drawl. Just for a point of difference, I’ll be working on a bit of classic Australian Alf Stewart vernacular, peppered with lines like “stone the flamin’ crows, Pete, you want to see ME on a plate? Sounds like some of that Paleo mumbo jumbo if you ask me”, “those flamin’ yahoos haven’t got enough crunch in their dessert” or “strewth, me flamin’ palate’s confused by that flamin’ truffle oil”.
It always strikes me as miraculous when even the most frazzled contestants somehow manage to get their meal onto plates in the last 60 seconds? I’m sure the MKR viewers are secretly waiting for the countdown clock to wind down and there is nothing on the plates. Nothing. Not a thing. Well, I’m fairly confident that I can make that happen. I can give MKR viewers that moment they’ve been waiting for.
There are several techniques I employ at home to make people wait that little bit longer to enjoy their food. I have been known to walk around the kitchen for ages like a complete numpty, looking for my oven mitt when it’s already on my hand. And I frequently send my husband to work with no cutlery for his salad. These are just a few of the special touches I can offer. Guaranteed to annoy the hell out of viewers and drive the ratings through the roof. And if Pete and Manu look hungry and disappointed, just watch their faces light up when the pizza delivery guy arrives. See, I’m pretty tricky like that!
So that’s my application sorted. How do you like my chances, babe?