Tuesday, 31 March 2015

My Kitchen Rules – Application for Next Season






I love My Kitchen Rules. I love the cooking. I love the drama. I love the competition. I love it when contestants create something so sensational that they even shock themselves, and I love the suspense of wondering which teams will be jettisoned too soon back to the real life they have sacrificed to take part in the show.

Now readers, I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, but I think I’d make a great MKR contestant, so I’m going to have a tilt at next season’s title. I’m not sure who I might have as my partner, but it probably should be someone I don’t plan on seeing again after the show. Maybe I’ll advertise in the Classifieds.

Having watched nearly every episode of My Kitchen Rules since the first season, I know what they are looking for. Most importantly, I can deliver those ‘this has never happened before’ moments the show needs.

I’ve put together a bit of a resumé, outlining what I can offer the show next season:

Let’s start with the grocery shopping before each instant restaurant or challenge. Obviously the important thing here is to take so long buying ingredients that cooking time is seriously compromised. I usually work with half a shopping list, then go back and forth across the shop and around the perimeter several times as I remember each of the other items. For key ingredients I like to wait until I’m home, then change the entire menu because I’ve forgotten the lamb for the lamb roast. OK so far?

Every year the instant restaurant rounds start with the boring reveals of Manu-crushes. Manu seems like a nice guy, but come on – the drooling, the eyelash-batting and flirting while Manu politely fends them off … ho freaking hum. It’s time to move things up a notch. I’m putting my hand up for a Benny Hill type of chase scene around the dining table with the appropriate soundtrack.

Oh, I almost forgot - I can cook. And I’ve made this one particular meal hundreds of times, so I can pretty much be guaranteed to balls it up on national TV. As far as desserts go, I’m happy to swing either way. I can pimp myself as the great dessert queen and then undercook the pastry, or I can complain every time I make a dessert, muttering something like “desserts aren’t really my forté … they really should have cancelled desserts this year”. Your call, really – either way I get to make a dick of myself so I’m up for that. I don’t need to ‘smash it out of the park’ every time, but I would like to say ‘smash it out of the park’ at fairly regular intervals if that’s OK.

I am happy to fill my menu with techniques I have never done before, using appliances I have never seen. I would prefer to Sous-vide my protein, especially if there is an easier method that would be more appropriate. It’s a knobbish technique that allows me to completely focus on maintaining the correct temperature for at least an hour while my partner does every other component of the meal. I always thrive on the suspense of not knowing if something is cooked to perfection, over-done, or completely raw, until it is time to plate up.

Strong accents always seem to appeal to viewers and other contestants, so I’ll work something up in that regard. This year we’ve seen the thickly layered French and Irish accents of Manu and Colin become thicker than ever in the face of some stiff competition from Robert’s languid Texan drawl. Just for a point of difference, I’ll be working on a bit of classic Australian Alf Stewart vernacular, peppered with lines like “stone the flamin’ crows, Pete, you want to see ME on a plate? Sounds like some of that Paleo mumbo jumbo if you ask me”, “those flamin’ yahoos haven’t got enough crunch in their dessert” or “strewth, me flamin’ palate’s confused by that flamin’ truffle oil”.

It always strikes me as miraculous when even the most frazzled contestants somehow manage to get their meal onto plates in the last 60 seconds? I’m sure the MKR viewers are secretly waiting for the countdown clock to wind down and there is nothing on the plates. Nothing. Not a thing.  Well, I’m fairly confident that I can make that happen. I can give MKR viewers that moment they’ve been waiting for.

There are several techniques I employ at home to make people wait that little bit longer to enjoy their food. I have been known to walk around the kitchen for ages like a complete numpty, looking for my oven mitt when it’s already on my hand. And I frequently send my husband to work with no cutlery for his salad. These are just a few of the special touches I can offer. Guaranteed to annoy the hell out of viewers and drive the ratings through the roof.  And if Pete and Manu look hungry and disappointed, just watch their faces light up when the pizza delivery guy arrives. See, I’m pretty tricky like that!

So that’s my application sorted. How do you like my chances, babe?





photo credit: Today's Special... Nothing via photopin (license)

30 comments:

  1. What if you parter up with Liam and reenact the watermelon in your entry video?

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  2. Capital idea, Soph. Fits my profile.

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  3. I love this! Great to start the day with a giggle. You had me at "Benny Hill chase scene". I'd definitely tune in to watch your culinary capers.

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    1. Thanks Tonia. Hope you wouldn't leave me on the cutting room floor :)

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  4. Hey I think you are a shoo in! Me on the other hand would have no hope...cooking isn't my strong suit... We are huge MKR fans, so we will keep tuned and hopefully see you.

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    1. Thanks Mandy. It would be entertaining, to say the least!

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  5. Well... That's all fine... But there's another key question... What's your back story?

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    1. Back story. I haven't thought that through yet. Maybe just some silent footage of baked bean cans being snapped open, pasta being slapped on the table, and vegetables being scraped off plates and into the bin.

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  6. Great idea and post... along with what you've written send a pic of you wearing a cowboy hat with an over processed perm and a perfected sneer so you can get in as the bad one..... add a loud dress and yodel and you'll be a cert.

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    1. I think we've already seen a few of those in previous series! I need to raise the bar higher.

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  7. I could never go on MKR - the pressure! Chuckling over the thought of a Benny Hill style chase and an Alf-ian accent ;-)

    Visiting today from #teamIBOT x

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    1. Me too, Janet, I would fall in a heap before entree was served! Whoever wins that prize money thoroughly deserves it.
      And thanks for the lovely feedback!

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  8. Do it! It'll be the most entertaining season all year. You might even possibly convince me to watch an episode, and that would be a big thing!

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    1. Yes, it certainly would be a hoot! Thanks for stopping by,Jess,

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  9. You'll definitely be in! All you have to do is work on your bitchin' skills and you'll be labeled as the team who hates everyone and only just manages to scrape through each week, leaving viewers wondering why the hell you're still on the show. Oh and please make Manu a giant bucket of sauce so he will stop complaining about not having enough sauce :D

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    1. Thanks Tegan. Helpful advice - I'll be sure to keep it in mind, lol!

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  10. Can't come at MKR myself as I'm not a Pete fan- though Manu is a dish! Love your strategies- good luck!

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    1. I'll say hi to Manu for you. Thanks Amy!

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  11. You had me at Benny Hill ;)

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    1. Thanks Lily. Glad I could give you a laugh :)

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  12. I think you have nailed it and should totally apply!

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    1. Thanks Fleur. Yes, I think I'm on the right track!

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  13. I hope you've done your application...you'll 'knock it outa the park'!

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    1. Thanks Jenni, lol. Yeah, I've got this. Babe.

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  14. Well done! I'm so impressed with your courage for applying x

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    1. LOL. Thanks so much for visiting, Cybele!

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  15. You are hilarious. I'd love to se you in the mix. I am sure you'd fit right in :) But seriously, I'd do it just to hear Manu say anything haha. Like the recent easter egg thing going around, you could hide Pete's in the garden and tell him to go find it, and he will love it. If he has to forage for it, it's Paleo!

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    1. Thanks Alicia! Yes, poor old Pete is copping a caning lately, isn't he?
      Thanks so much for your lovely comments.

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  16. Go for it! I'll be your partner in apron, I reckon between the two of us we'll smash it out the park & be a sautee in for the finale! LOL
    Thanks for joining me at #TIK

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    1. Ahh, thanks Hayley. That sounds like a plan!

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